I am sharing my processing of developing a culture of empowerment instead of a culture of excellence which leads to performance.
Being raised in a culture of performance meant:
Trying to gain approval and recognition
Life was unsteady
messing up = failure
Accomplishments = identity
Life, identity was fragile
life and relationship were scary
No room for growth: This one surprised me. I am trying to be perfect would I always need to be growing? Well yes, but no. I should already know how to do and be everything. Learning is a messy process of mistakes, mess ups, read failures in the performance culture. No room for that. No room for trial and error because error meant rejection, criticism, lack of worth, attack on identity since identity comes from performance.
Learned to live anticipating people’s expectations: I have fought against setting up my life to meet people’s expectations for a long time. In some ways this is a paradox because there are so many areas where other people’s opinions don’t even enter my mind and if they do I easy dismiss them as just that, someones opinion. Then there are other areas that I now see subconsciously I have learned to anticipate someones expectation of me and try to meet that before rejection or failure could occur. Talk about people pleasing! Anyway this obviously doesn’t work because without clear communication I do not actually know anyone else’s expectations. If I am doing this automatically I am also not really determining if they are expectations I am even called to meet.
Trying to earn love instead of live from love.
No matter how well I did there was always something to improve. Even performance was failure.
No one was interested in me as a person, only my performance.
Hope and be a bit slippery to hold on to. God tells us we have hope. He is always faithful never changing so there is always hope.
The eyes of hope get close to God and see things from His perapective, by faith.
Today looks bright and full of promise through the eyes of hope.