Seeing the Goodness of the Lord in the Land of the Living.
You fell asleep while nursing. I nudged you to encourage you to finish. You didn’t respond. A strange heat flooded me in a panic. I couldn’t get out words to pray. Confusion, doubt, and fear were front and center.
Last night you had stopped breathing. I think it was by God’s grace I couldn’t see your coloring. I had turned off the main lights and turned on the lamp before getting you from your cradle. You were very limp when I picked you up but I didn’t sense anything was wrong until I sat down on the couch to feed you. You were too still – completely unresponsive. Your brother was just heading to bed. Your dad was beside me. I told them to pray. We declared healing in Jesus name and asked for restoration of your breath.
I don’t know if you really stopped breathing this morning or if you were just extra sleepy like you’ve been before. I’m having a hard time not being scared today – a harder time than last night.
As I walked this out – being attacked by panic and fear – feeling paralyzed and unable to breathe myself – I was reminded (strange that I would need to be) this wasn’t the first time I had feared my baby dying, feared losing her.
See, I have three beautiful, amazing children who had easy uneventful pregnancies. I have a fourth child I will never get to hold alive. I heard his heartbeat twice. Then around 17 weeks there was no more heartbeat.
After coming to terms with being pregnant at 42 when my youngest was 14 (another story for another time) I began the battle to not live in fear of another miscarriage.
1. Call on Jesus
When fear attacks I say the name of Jesus. Sometimes I had more words I could pray, more faith to speak out. Often I just said “Jesus.”
2. Find God’s promises that address the area of fear.
For me the words of Jesus to Jairus, “Don’t be afraid; just believe, and she will be healed.” (Luke 8:50) were the first to come to mind. Then Psalm 27:13, “I remain confident of this: I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living.” (NIV) and Esther 4:14 “Yet who knows whether you have come to the kingdom for such a time as this?” (KJV).
3. Personalize the verses into declarations of what you are believing God is promising you.
Luke 8:50 “This child will live and not die.”
Psalm 27:13 “They shall see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living.”
Esther 4:14 “They are conceived/born for such a time as this.”
4. Declare God’s promises out loud when fear attacks.
So when I was calm enough I would say the declarations (my versions of the verses) or sing “I’m no longer a slave to fear” and believe it. I sing “Thy Will” by Hillary Scott – which was hard knowing that she wrote this song after losing a child through miscarriage. Believing for life knowing I may have to accept death though I couldn’t see any possible good reason why.
It’s a few months down the road and fear rarely attacks so brazenly. I am seeing the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living. So is she.