I sat down at a coffee shop to write without the distractions of home and child.
I immediately felt like crying.
This is a very familiar experience for me. I slow down and I feel like crying. Over the years this has led to me paying attention to my tears. They come for many reasons. Sad, mad, happy, overwhelmed in good or bad ways, sensing God’s presence, and being weary from going too much.
The last one was the reason today.
I’ve been slowing down physically and in my expectations of how much I can get done ( and getting more done). Slowing down to pay attention to how I am feeling and why,,, not so much. Taking the pressure off of trying to say the right thing in the right way… not so much either.
Instead of diving into writing, which was the purpose of this time because I have put off writing twice already this week, I pulled out my sketchbook to sort out the tears.
I’m glad I did.
I drew a big teardrop and wrote the word regret.
I asked what regret was.
At least for today it was grief over what could have been. I could have more clarity. I could have this writing done. I could feel like I know what I’m doing. I could…
As I wrote it I was reminded of the times in the Chronicles of Narnia when Lucy asked Aslan about what would have happened. He responds that she doesn’t get to know what would have happened. She can obey and find out what will happen.
Regret was grieving what I imagined could have happened.
Now it’s time to obey, to move, and find out what will happen.
This was a good revelation and insight. At times I would have left it at that.
However it was not actionable. There was no practical way I was going to apply it and make a change to intentionally move toward what I want to happen.
In the past this would have led to the urge and pressure to create a detailed plan for all the things I want to have happen.
I still felt the urge.
I also had the reminder that doing a simple thing everyday has gotten me more progress and more peace in managing my home.
I’m trying to apply this to my spiritual and mental health as well.
I’m still experimenting with exactly what that looks like. I know it means slowing down. It means changing my thinking from a project mentality to a small steps mentality.
There is a temptation to listen to the bullying voice telling me I should have that already. God’s been talking to me about the importance and impact of small steps for almost 3 years.
I don’t need to bully myself.
I don’t need to let the devil bully me either.
I don’t need to stay in what could have been.
I move into what will be.
I will change.
I will learn.
I will see the goodness of God in the land of the living.
Is there an area you have been experiencing regret?
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